I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
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*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
I feel like once your going to these lengths you can spring for separate room for the toilet
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
WTF IS THAT!
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}