Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.

There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.

I apologise if I offended you.

And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.

Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.

Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.

Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa

My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..

Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats

Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.

Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.

I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.

Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it

it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop

PSA: Always be yourself

Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time

Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even

ME: I love u

GF: omg

ME: and I wanna be with u always

GF: *crying*

ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–

GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG

cat vs inanimate object

strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”

Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.

[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]

I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.

My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table

In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.

[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon

I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.

The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s

[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]

Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20

How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!

I aspire to be birds

I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.