Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾‍♂️

Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?

Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.

Banker: What?

Me: What?

All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.

Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]

guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood

HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?

Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.

HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.

IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS

fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious

“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.

court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.

Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only

bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!

me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no

[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*

Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025

4 yo: “Miss Katie, when you were a baby did your parents die and leave you alone?”

My friend: “Sorry, they watched Annie yesterday.”

Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.

Me: * tastes dog treats*

Stalker: frickin weirdo

think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me

I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks

Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-

Son: Dad please don’t…

Dad: Lawn gone.

This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.

Free him

No regrets in 2018

Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.

[bedtime]

SON: Can you leave the light on?

ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?

SON: What?

ME: What?

ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock

WIFE: A WHAT?

ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous

DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*

Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.

When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.

[cabin rentals]

DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.