I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
You Might Also Like
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
The struggle is real
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
dictator is short for richard potato
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…