I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
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[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Being a lawyer is so funny because someone will have their dog off the leash at a park, barreling towards my dog, and jog screaming “oh, he’s friendly” and I’ll scream back “And you have strict and total liability if he isn’t” and suddenly they turn into Usain Bolt
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
How software testing works
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.