I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
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guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Gross if literal…Liverpool