Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Um, my eyes are up here.

-giraffes

Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.

9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?

me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.

9: MOM!

“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”

Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.

For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.

and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE

Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.

that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud

The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.

Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.

Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.

17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.

[first date]

HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-

ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU

How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?

Asking for a friend.

Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.

I’m in such a great mood today

Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute

Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…

WebMd: You’re gonna die.

the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything

[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!

aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.

Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one

do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators

‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress

I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.

Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY

“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”

[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]

– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside

At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.

my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.