I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
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Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.