Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself

My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.

[after divorce]

I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky

Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.

I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”

[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult

My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot

young sherlock holmes: that large clocktower is named big ben. therefore, when you ask “where is little ben,” you are referring to your watch — a miniature clock. a trick question, but one i will indulge. your wrist, madam

distraught mother: you were supposed to be watching him

Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”

[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast

*First day as a forest ranger*

Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here

Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby

Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money

“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”

[job interview]

HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?

Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows

Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor

“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”

~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.

Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.

There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.

HER: what are you doing?

ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?

The wife and I just got divorced.

We split the house………I got the outside.

Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse

“Get in the van if you want to live.”

Creepy Terminator…

I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.

Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.

I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 goose

Looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread

[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”

My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE

Me: *gives her a little bit*

My Dog: I have diarrhea