Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.

[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

Um, the Stork.

[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.

Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”

I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.

me: it’s bedtime.

my 10yo: did you ever notice that zebra begins with the last letter of the alphabet and ends with the first letter of the alphabet?

marvel comics have peaked

Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.

Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.

Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.

Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”

Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.

5 yo- can I roll down the car window?

Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.

You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.

why isn’t he texting back

Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.

[ working from home ]

Me:

I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors

Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!

My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.

[In the car]

4 year-old: What’s this song called?

Me: “Don’t Speak.”

[10 minutes of silence later]

Me: You alright buddy?

4: Yeah you said don’t speak.

Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.

Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.

Son: That wasn’t you

Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.

(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.

(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.

If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.

GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT

Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!

Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–

GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN

[2052 pre-apocalypse]

Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world

Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS

me: woah real life russian dolls

midwife: get out

When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.

Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.

Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”

my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.

sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake