Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”

Me: “oh I see you”

Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”

Me: “yeah floor it”

[god on LSD creating Donald Trump

What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?

can’t get enough of this specific type of Olympic event. happy to hear arguments for others

Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.

Went and got a new library card.

Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.

If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?

1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.

My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine

It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.

Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.

“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously

Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt

i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.

“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”

Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?

*the sky turns red and warm*

Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.

My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.

I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.

Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.

I’m at that point on a Monday where no.

Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over

You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?

is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while

[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.

Over the summer, I went to the very North of the Isle of Lewis on a field trip to map the geology there with a close friend of mine. The google street view car went past. We had a geological hammer. The following masterpiece, now on google street view, was the result

My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.

Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…

That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…

My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk

*lies down on waxing table

Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.

My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters

ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup

WAITER: Yes

ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup

WAITER: Yes

ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world

WAITER: Yes

ME: My compliments to the chef

*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.