Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
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Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
me as a parent
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator