I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
You Might Also Like
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Finally, a door that understands me
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Happy Caturday!
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?