I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
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The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Toasters aren’t governed by that little dial.
They have free will.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Happens to everyone.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Cat is stressing him out.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened