Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body

14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn

*waits for a sign*

*dead bird falls from sky*

*waits for another, better sign*

Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.

Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered

Untrue. I’ve already gotten gastro at several Sydney pubs.

So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.

You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me

Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.

Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.

P Diddy or P Didn’t he?

Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists

“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced

me: ted is coming over tonight

wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over

me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird

[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most

[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam

Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack

TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.

They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.

Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.

Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.

Nonmaterial gift ideas:

An experience
A home cooked meal
Offer to destroy one of their enemies
Clean their house

If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.

A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD

Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.

me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?

It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.

Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys

That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.

My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.

Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.