Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be

My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.

Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.

I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.

Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?

Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing

Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*

Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.

Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave

9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?

Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.

3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday

customer: can I return this bird food?

me: we don’t take returns

customer: then can I give some feedback?

me: I told you no

WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.

*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store

online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”

Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?

Wife: Who is it?

Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball

Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]

You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.

What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.

Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.

I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.

My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.

Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?

Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?

(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”

me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok

me: sorry if I’m bothering you

surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that

Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.

me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something

[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.

“You ordered a Grande.”

Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.

“Sir, please just take her.”

Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse

Me: how so?

Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt

Me: ok you win