Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:

[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”

Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl

You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.

My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?

I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”

*walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere*

Me: Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft.

How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

my kid: hold my cheerios

my kid: *drops cheerios*

Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’

Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?

ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?

Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?

Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it

Not long enough ahhh haha ha

wtf is an acronym

If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.

Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.

First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.

Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.

Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark

When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question

I know this now

I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges

DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me

Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.

Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”

You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways

– People who apparently want to go missing

yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine

*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?

Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you

Me: Girl, quit while you’re ahead

Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.

why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean