Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision

Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.

Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.

“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”

– Me, to my coffee

I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying

Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious

I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.

62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”

Her: what was that about?

Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off

Her: at the zoo tho?

It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.

Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.

If only.

once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches

I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.

The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.

Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend

Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.

Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead

I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end

Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’

[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”

angel: when was he resurrected

god: Sunday?

angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing

god: it was like early-mid April

angel: ok-

god: could’ve been March tho

angel:

god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit

angel: bruh

I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…

I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.

I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.

[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*

[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?

Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.

I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.

Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room

“You should cook it like this more often.”

Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.

Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.

Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?

Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]