Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Uber driver has crazy rules. I can talk, but anything I say can be used against me in a court of law?

It’s also kind of alarming that he has a full laptop setup and a shotgun in his front seat.

The cuffs I understand. Never can be too careful.

Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.

Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.

just told my cat that she and I invented cats sitting on laps. she has no way of knowing otherwise, and it’s nice for her to get a win, but… I worry. she believed me instantly—where is the critical thinking? and honestly I’m not happy with how easily the lie came out my mouth

Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”

before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants

They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?

The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.

My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover

I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out

I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive

If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.

Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.

I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.

God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”

My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.

EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon

It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!

Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.

The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold

*goes to the gym*

*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*

*hurries to the bar*

back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus

SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then

Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?

In case you needed to hear it:

caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…

me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???

caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?

Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.

Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”

Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG