I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla
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There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
I was gonna get on the treadmill, but then the couch will get sad
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Something I have limited time to finish.
Boss: Oh, okay. I’ll leave you to it, then.
Me: [goes back to Prime Day shopping]
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis