Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.

When you didn’t plan your story very well.

Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.

Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.

Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.

“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*

McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”

Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it

When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.

Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000

Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that

ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.

Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.

Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.

Nope, not until now, dude.

[on date]

Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.

Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.

The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.

Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.

Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III

Passwords:

Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious

Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.

My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:

6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.

Me: Why not?

6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.

Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”

twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.

Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked

Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.

Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.

ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too

FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket

Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”

when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭

Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.

it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.