I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla
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Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here