I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.
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I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED