I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
I’m quiet and not good at confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi: Beth & Greg, Why The Fuck Did You Have To Get A Rooster?
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”
Mine should be here in a few days.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
