When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
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I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
August 8
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread