I love when my cat sighs at me, like what’s got you stressed out my little freeloading homicidal maniac
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*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
If Dave Grohl cheated on his own wife? He could cheat on anybody..
omg leave her alone
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
guys i’ve cracked the code
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat