I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
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[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
