I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
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Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
My husband found a deal on golf shoes from a Facebook ad. He was so excited bc they were so cheap. He said, “Can you BELIEVE this price?” I said, “You have to be careful of those ads, a lot are scams.”
That conversation was 8 months ago and those shoes are still in transit.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
My daily affirmation
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.