I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
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I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Band practice, I told you.”
“Is your homework done?”
“Yes, DAD.”
“Be home by 6 for dinner.”
“But-“
“No buts, Mom’s making your favorite.”
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS