Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.

Her: I heard you like to break the rules

Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.

Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong

Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!

Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…

Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”

Him:

Me: Go on…

I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached

just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude

Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Jennifer? Most people love it.

me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes

my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.

detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is

me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic

detective: but where exactly?

me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time

Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*

I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.

😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪

It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.

*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*

Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.

Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.

*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.

I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me

My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.

My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.

[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]

“How is tofu made?”

Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….

me: I’m going to kill the moon

dude: the moon is flat

me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners

“You should only have to tell them once”

– People with no children

[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota

If any of you ever do a podcast about the best foods to eat in the shower, I’ll be your “expert” guest.

Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.

There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.

Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?

Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!

B: here’s your coffee. $12.32

M: thank you

GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!

GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?

{ texting judge get out of jury duty } My chupacabra just died :/ {remembering that i got their number illegally } I guessed your number