I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
You Might Also Like
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Duck typos.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.