I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
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Everyone’s family
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
google sheets just froze up (for everyone) on a call and i said guys i think we all just got laid off
people do NOT like that joke
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
I’m forming a Wham! cover band with 3 other bald guys called Hairless Whisper.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me I’d panic and chisel in ‘SPONG’ or something
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge