I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
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About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.
Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Sorry I was late for our date. The wheels in my heelies got stuck in a storm grate again.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
The horror of touching the spoon on the bin when disposing of a tea bag.
Another spoon will now be on stirring duty. A pure spoon.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
