I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
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I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.
He’s the Spokesman.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.