I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
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[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
For the ones in the back.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
$4 #usedbooks
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.