bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
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My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question