Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.

Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life

does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?

Father’s Day Fun:

1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.

My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant

The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.

“Amanda Seyfried (left)”

The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have

I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”

You need to slow your roll there survey.

You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?

Meet my cat.

The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.

How do you plead?

“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”

Bribery is illeg-

“A baker’s dozen” *winks*

Case dismissed

Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.

SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it

ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?

5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.

Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess

I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.

Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one

Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.

Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”

LMFAOOOO

*hears Christmas carolers*

Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.

Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.

I hope your spoon slides into your soup

Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?

Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.

[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world

I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.

GMO bananas: turn brown for what?