I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
You Might Also Like
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Follow me for more life hacks.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
love it when they get my name right
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Doctor: You have a disease
Me: Oh no!
Doctor: You can cure it with diet and exercise
Me: Oh no!
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
and now we wait
Welcome to your late 40s from now on you will no longer be in “good health” but in “good health for your age”
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia