I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
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[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
“Please enter the 6-digit code we have just sent to your device”
Well hold on there just a minute. Someone has just texted me
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Me to 7yo: Why is your sister standing in the toilet!? Who showed her that?
7yo: Not me.
Me: Good. Because if you don’t wash your feet and did something like that, they would shrivel up and fall off.
7yo: I’ll be right back. I need to…go wash something…
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Thinking about a snail with a limp
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing