I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
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Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.
Can’t. Being lazy.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
her: i’m leaving you.
me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard
her: YES
me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk
The A string on my guit_r is flat
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Saturday
