I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
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My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
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me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups