I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
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Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
My dog learned how to text
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Normalize arguing with plants who refuse to stay alive.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
You did. You thought of vanilla with meat, you absurd rutabaga. Go put yourself in the corner and think about what you’ve done, while blaming the recipe author for your own stupidity.
(Recipe was for Hamburger Steak with Onions and Gravy)
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
I only treason on days ending in y
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Happy Halloween 🎃
Sorted
