Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.

no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision

[Flirting in a bar]

ME: Did it hurt…

HER: …

ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?

PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again

Me: *smiling from ear to ear*

Plastic surgeon: My bad.

Me: Knock knock.

Psychic: Ha! Good one.

You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself

Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one

What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”

Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops

Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.

[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no

Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.

wife: I’m having a baby.

me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.

Coffee helps me remember….

Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean words

I never said it was easy.

So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options

Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.

A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”

Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.

Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.

[jumps in Uber]

ME: HURRY I’M LATE

UBER: [starts driving]

ME: PULL OVER HERE

[jumps out, pets dog]

ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO

[after explaining speed limit signs]

5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits

It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.

Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?

Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.

[The Second Coming]

Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“

Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”

Signs you’re a man:

*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.

*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.

A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.

Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):

“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me

I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.

Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream

Professor: That’s him, officers