I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
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[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
You have two wolves inside you.
Should have ordered an appetizer.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.