I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
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I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.