I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
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A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Apparently someone’s been stealing patrol dogs.
Police say they have several leads
#Police
Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
The asteroid..
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?