Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes

“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”

Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…

[Later]

Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food

[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?

Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…

WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother

STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?

TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.

STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.

I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.

I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics

Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken

Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen

Me:what is this CSI?

ME: Is that a B or an 8?

HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?

ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.

KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.

Yes, mother, I have gained weight.

No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.

*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.

ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:

i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”

We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.

If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.

one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year

One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.

Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.

Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.

Me: They’re vitamins!

Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.

Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.

Electrical engineer: Dead battery.

Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.

IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.

Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!

Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?

Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.

Dorothy: …What else you got?

“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….

Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*

Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!

Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop

Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.

You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”

*works from home*

*files claim for hostile work environment*

WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.

I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.

stopped to pee at a McDonner’s