Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea

Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.

(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)

Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.

Following my previous tweet, I would like to clarify that I am not running for mayor. I meant to say that I was running from the mayor but mistyped because I was running at the time.

HIM: I love reading big novels.

ME: No kidding, so do I!

*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*

There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.

TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going

“Band? We thought you said ban”

TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?

her: i saw a shark walking along the beach

me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen

Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…

[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months

Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast

You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.

{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd

True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.

A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids

You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.

I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.

The news is so predictable nowadays

There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.

I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.

Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.

[first day birdwatching]

is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?

Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.

“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”

“But sir. This is a library.”

Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.

Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.

the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on

producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?

the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word

producer: sounds bad

the killers: its the greatest song ever written

In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.

4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?

Me: What do you mean?

4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?