Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU

If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene

I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?

I do want to see supervillain origin stories as films. But not the tragic event that forever warped their minds.
I want to see them, like, a few days after they decided to become villains and start trying to source goons, try out costume themes, real organizational stuff.

I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.

When do they kick in?

If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂

Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?

Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN

Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?

Kangaroo: Oh nevermind

I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.

-Kids

“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.

if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic

Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?

Breaking News:

I did 3/16th of a complete push-up

They should invent something in between cappuccino & narcotics.

I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.

Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:

🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality

They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”

dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you

me: *immediately tases myself*

INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?

ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.

“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish

People: cheer up, things could be worse

Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how

My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital

Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids

I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.

*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”

The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time

I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.

I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”

A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb

I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”