I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
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Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
I’m forming a Wham! cover band with 3 other bald guys called Hairless Whisper.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
I know i asked for constructive criticism, but what I actually wanted was for you to tell me I’m extremely hilarious, and also handsome. Sorry if that was unclear.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.