Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day on a new job]

Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.

Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.

Countries whose names are lies:

• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom

Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.

dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it

my gf left me bc i’m paranoid

nvm she’s back, she went pee

🤣

Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”

4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.

handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat

JK it’s spam

Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family

taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends

7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!

Me: You’re exaggerating.

7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.

Okay, it might have been deep enough.

Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off

[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s

I’m going bananas!

*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.

Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics

My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect

Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by all

Me:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes

You know you have a bag of frozen peas in the freezer that looks like this. Don’t lie.

why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays

I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone

You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!

Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half

me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?

I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.

God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.

Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?

I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.

Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”

Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:

Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.

I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.