I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
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Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
How to find Kentucky on a map
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”
I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that