I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
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ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Waking up to America feels like when you accidentally skip a cut scene and have to figure out why the level is suddenly even more on fire.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
My dad installed a dash cam in my car at some point when I was home for thanksgiving and I found out when I turned my car on to go to target and a very clearly Chinese lady’s voice said “start recording” out of nowhere
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.