Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.

Just found $27 in my washing machine, it’s a bad day to be an Applebees happy hour

I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks

My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.

interviewer: describe your hero

me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room

“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”

The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair

Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.

God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.

I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.

My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.

By age 30 you should have:

$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start

Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?

Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.

“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”

me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02

me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06

me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28

me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism

wife: shut up and take the trash out

It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number

Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.

“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”

“So you walk, then walk some more. Sometimes there’s hills. Oh yeah and you have to say hi to absolutely everyone you see or else.” – Person that invented hiking

If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?

sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet

As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”

BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole

I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.

I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.

Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.

*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*

Where’s the shit you made me at school?

When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.

My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”

If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.