I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny
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Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*