Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies

Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.

I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again

One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend

I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.

When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.

“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.

I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now

just pretend nothing happened

Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are

How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?

I falcon love using swear birds

deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)

it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed

Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.

Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.

Roadside Assistance: how can i help you

Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire

6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week

Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it

6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.

Me:… sweet

Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.

Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?

My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.

This guy in CVS was FaceTime with his girl and she trying to direct him on what pads to get. He was so lost. I heard what she asked for and put it in the phone camera and she says “thank you girl” without even seeing my face 😂😂😂😂😂

Hospice was my favorite spice girl,

into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma

I’m giving up alcohol for a month.

Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :

I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.

Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.

I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..

you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.

I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.

Driving class: 10 and 2

Real life: 7 and french fries

Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.