Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.

I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!

I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.

Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.

in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen

impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven

ME: rock, paper, scissors

PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all

My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.

Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.

Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit

Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44

In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???

*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”

***TRAVEL NEWS***

A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.

See that girl.

Watch that scene.

Diggin’ the Danson cream.

If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do

My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.

Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!

Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy

how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day

who exactly are airport shops for? like imagine going oops, forgot to grab a prada bag and a rolex that I totally need for my flight

You were the one.

If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.

devil:

first guy in hell:

devil:

first guy in hell:

devil:

first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…

devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up

The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair

Feel. He’s so soft.

Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?

Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.

Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.

I used to get bullied online.

Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.

ME: Hey they’re playing our song.

HER: This isn’t our song.

ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.