I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
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[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Lassie, get help!
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.