I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
You Might Also Like
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Hoping for an open bar at the toddler birthday, but I have cash just in case.
“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.