Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*

We never “welcomed” a baby into our family. We just kind of brought them home and tickled them every now and then.

Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.

You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.

I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.

Me: “What are you drawing?”

6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”

Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”

6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”

I figured it was too good to be true.

Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”

A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.

Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!

So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”

We all winked at each other and got in our cars.

Teamwork.

I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.

You have tattoos and curves?

*unbuttons pants*

You’re also batshit crazy?

*takes off pants*

You listen to Paramore?

*puts on clothes*

When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball

me: oh my god!!! i just had the most amazing nap.

doctor: you were just under general anesthesia.

me: when can i go again?

I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill

OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?

ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex

If you’re the owner of a feathered chicken suit and you’ve never gotten naked and put it on inside out, get ready for a memorable night.

A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.

Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest

When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.

Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…

Me: You did?

Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!

The British sentence that is never complete:

“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”

If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.

*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*

Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!

Me: Thanks, you too

I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.

I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”

are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.

[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”

When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house

TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.

How to parallel park:

1) Park somewhere else.