Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.

I get sad when I see how old people my age are.

One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police

No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED

Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.

Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.

Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.

My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.

“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”

There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.

Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.

Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?

I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.

Cashier: Smile!

Me: Worry about your own face.

Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”

Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him

[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?

A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.

riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”

lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL

others: LOL

When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.

the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.

what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.

I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.

Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?

me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me

turbo tax advisor:

I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.

Batman v Dracula

Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.

Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!

Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.

My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?

Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!

NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team