I love when the IRS asks if I’ve lived in a state of emergency or disaster area in the tax year like every year hasn’t been a state of emergency or disaster area.
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Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Did you hear about the man who was using apples and oranges for flooring?
He started to lay them down when he realized it was fruit-tile
#LunchPun
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Vodka burrito was a success
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.