I love when the IRS asks if I’ve lived in a state of emergency or disaster area in the tax year like every year hasn’t been a state of emergency or disaster area.
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Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Wife: don’t forget the list
Me: I won’t
[later]
Me: [calling from the grocery store]
My wife: [answering the phone, holding the list] well, well, well…
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them