Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.

You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?

My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place

16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek

PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure

5 yo- can I roll down the car window?

Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.

There was romance over dinner last night.

Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.

So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.

If the zombie apocalypse happens we’re double screwed because at least 70 million are on record as having no brain

Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora

Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up

*getting kicked out of bookclub*

me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are

I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.

First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!

Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?

Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.

[Getting ready to go out]

Her: Is that what you’re wearing?

Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.

*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”

Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy

If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July

[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.

Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.

Also me: Yes, I can see that.

Boss: you need to take a drug test

Me: not if you want me to do this job

Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED

Me: *points to donut case*

Her: How many would you like, ma’am?

Me: Yes.

If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots

You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow

10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.

Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.

Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.

Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”

Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”

Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.