Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language

Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?

Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*

Judge: Case dismissed.

Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.

Son: That wasn’t you

How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.

Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?

Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.

Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth

microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie

Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.

I have the bruises of a much more active person.

Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.

It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.

My boss just texted me and said,“Send me one of your funny jokes please.”
I replied “ I’m working hard at the moment,I will send you one later.”

He replied, “That was fantastic,send me another one.”

young sherlock holmes: that large clocktower is named big ben. therefore, when you ask “where is little ben,” you are referring to your watch — a miniature clock. a trick question, but one i will indulge. your wrist, madam

distraught mother: you were supposed to be watching him

incredible text to wake up to

I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.

My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis

Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.

When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”

*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*

[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.

What do we want?
“More existentialist jokes!”
When do we want them?
“Why?”

“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”

I feel it says all u need to know about me

“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”

Yes

I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.

I’m giving up eating chocolate for a month. sorry bad punctuation. I’m giving up. Eating chocolate for a month

i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please

stop saying that building a portal in philly is a bad idea. it’s obviously going to be, but we deserve to see it play out, don’t ruin it.

me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow

boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep

Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.

Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.

getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point