I love when the restaurant bathroom has different music playing than the restaurant. It’s like I’m going to Club Pee Pee
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*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Tonight I will make history!
Turns off incognito mode
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
As a kid: I can’t wait to stay up late and no one can tell me when to go to bed
Me at 41: ope my fitness device just said it’s bedtime. I better go.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.