I love when the restaurant bathroom has different music playing than the restaurant. It’s like I’m going to Club Pee Pee
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I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.
Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.
Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Strive for greatness. Do 15 pushups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Burn your ex’s house down. Eat the whole cake instead of a slice. I believe in you.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider