I love when the restaurant bathroom has different music playing than the restaurant. It’s like I’m going to Club Pee Pee
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Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
For the ones in the back.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Message from the dog groomers
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.