i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
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[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Patient “GO TO HELL”
Me: Sure. Can I get you anything while I’m there?
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Hi, it’s me. The guy who was just complaining about it being to warm in November. You might think this would preclude me from *also* complaining about how cold it’s gotten now but I contain multitudes.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.