i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
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Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.
The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
*updates tinder bio*
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.