I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
You Might Also Like
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
pisses me off to see people assume justin timberlake “driving while intoxicated” = “drunk driving.” he might have been intoxicated by an aroma, a sound, an idea.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
any last words?
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.