I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
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“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”