I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
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Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
my friend: i really need your help with getting over my ex…
me after stalking my ex’s IG & every girl he follows for the last 4 hours: omg yes ofc you’ve come to the right person
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Phonetics
inside everyone there are 2 wolves, one trying to ruin a pig’s house and one pretending to be your grandma.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.