Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Roman Empire: was not built in one day

The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes

After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit

Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.

[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome

Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”

Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.

[Hydra command meeting]

Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!

Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.

Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.

I learned 2 things today:

My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck

That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck

Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.

Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.

You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.

It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.

This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.

Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”

7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”

You got it, brother. 🫡

Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.

What kind of a cult is this?

science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes

kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?

Dolly Parton wrote Jolene and I Will Always Love You on the same day. Today I put a wash on, walked the dog and I’m now making tea. That’s three things. Your move country girl, your move.

People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.

Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?

Commonly confused phrases:

In the same boat = We’re going through this together

On the same page = We understand each other

In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no

I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house

To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.

Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.⁣

Magician: Is this your card?!

Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.

Me (a masseur): *applying oil*

Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?

I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18

How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.