I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
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I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
It’s almost midnight and my 44 years old ass is still up trying to figure out what I’m going to wear for the costume party that social-me proposed at work and now no-social- tired-broke me wants to punch me right on the nununana for having that dumb idea.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Said hello to someone, they didn’t hear me, immediately assumed it was some sort of sixth sense situation
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
All of my best ideas involve jail time.