Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life

My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)

OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE

(one second later)

We’re getting a correction from the brain:

it is the world’s tiniest moth

If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.

ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about

Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading

I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.

This a good idea

Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.

I checked.

Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.

what all these pyramids be scheming about?

I can’t stop laughing at this

Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/

SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical

ME: Oh no

SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut

My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭

If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.

*reads list of assassin targets*

“Eggs, milk…what the-”

[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*

I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???

CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird

I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.

Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!

Also me: *lives alone*

based

Driving a newer car is like oh weird this one doesn’t have Shake on Highway, maybe they stopped making that feature

Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.

-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse

Going to the gym “naked” means without wearing headphones. I know this now.

Her: draw me like one of your French girls

Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey

Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”

10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”

Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”