I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
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The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.